Saturday, August 8, 2009 4:00 PM, EDT
Arnetta & Warren Journal
In light of my report on Warren today, the part of this entry that I wrote earlier in the day (below) may seem out of place. However, I have no doubt that it will be relevant again, as it has been in the past week when Warren stayed in his room until mid afternoon (if he left it at all) before coming out to the sunroom to nap on and off in front of the TV until bedtime.
This morning I expected a visit from a friend – our daughter’s former mother-in-law, Leona, - at 10:30am. Ironically, for the first time in many days, Warren was awake by 10am today and wanted to leave his room to come to the sunroom. I had planned to entertain Leona (who hadn’t wanted to “bother” Warren) in the sunroom while Warren slept in his bedroom as he had every morning this week.
I wasn’t sure Warren would feel up to having anyone else around but he said it would be okay today so I got him ready to sit in his spot on the sunroom couch just as Leona was arriving.
Warren didn’t say much while Leona was here, but he did join us for a couple bites of sinfully delicious Baker’s Square brownies which were a gift from Leona. (Warren had his two bites with 1/2 crushed Viokase in a teaspoon of applesauce).
Leona and I had a lot to talk about but Warren didn’t seem to mind our chatter. Leona is one of the family and, although Tim is the biological father of Caryn’s children, Leona thinks of the girls as her own grandchildren because she loves Caryn so much. (Another long and tragic story for another time or my book someday). Leona and I talked about many things including what a rainy weekend Tim and Caryn and Jay and Kate chose to take our four granddaughters camping at Camp Kilarney in the Irish Hills (last night through Sunday). Warren seemed to be listening at times but he didn’t join in.
A while after Leona left, our friend Muriel from church dropped by with some of her wonderful home made chunky applesauce and some quarters for my collection. (I haven’t updated the list lately but I know I still need a few Utah.) Muriel is a witness as to my continuing good health – she mentioned a couple times how good it was to see me looking so well and rested. Last night was a good night – I got a full eight hours with not one wake up call!
Warren says he feels stronger today and he acts stronger, too. Right now he is engrossed in watching Tiger play in the Bridgeport Classic Golf Tournament but later I hope to turn some of his energy into conversation between him and me!
Earlier in the day (prior to 10am) – Saturday, 8-8-09:
A couple of my friends have commented that my last two entries sounded very sad. I thought I was doing a good job of camouflaging my sorrow but I guess it is still visible to those who read between the lines.
Realistically, who wouldn't be sad? Hospice and Pie Susan have both told me that Warren will go from sleeping 90% of the time to a "final sleep" when there will be no more talking to be done.
"Final sleep" has such an ominous ring to it. Right now there is so much left undone and unsaid between the two of us. I'm afraid if Warren truly feels there is hope for life, much of what we should discuss will remain undone and unsaid, for it seems that as long as he has hope, Warren doesn't want to talk about DNR orders, death and funerals. Maybe I should bring those things up more, but I don't know how to do it gracefully and without pushing the issue.
I just pray to God that He gives me the privilege of saying a final “I love you” before Warren is carried off by the angels. People with experience also tell me Warren will still hear me during that final sleep just as I heard the doctors so many years ago when I experienced death. Then, at least if I am beside him, I'll be able to tell him I love him one last time.
It is a blessing that Warren has been able to sleep so soundly. It is likely he will drift away that way. That would be a good thing. I tell him how much I love him before he goes to bed each night so if he passes in his sleep he has been assured of my love beforehand. I also say “I love you” periodically throughout the day when Warren is awake so he is reminded then, too.
Of course, as my good friend, Helga, says, “there is no good time for death but some times are better than others.” Occasionally, I get distracted by the outside world or by a project. God forbid that death should happen then.
Above all, I pray that Warren’s final hours will be very peaceful and that the pain never returns! With or without pain, however, Hospice may give him morphine at the end to help the labored breathing which I expect will increase like it has in many cases as reported to me by Caringbridge readers.
Speaking of the Caring Bridge connection, last night my friend Pat wrote: I was impressed with your entry today. Please know that there are some of us (at least, me) out there who are not interacting with you daily, but we are reading your journals (daily) to keep up with yours and Warren's progress.
I know that is the case. Even though I get too many notes and guest book entries to respond to each one individually, the more than ample number of messages I receive in all forms is small in comparison to the number of hits on the journal page. That large number – now about 22,300 – thrills me, too. Every single digit means that another person cares or cares again. It's astounding!
Pat continued: I am always impressed with your ability to express all your thoughts in the journal. It is clear to see that this is therapeutic for you, but the pain is also sooooo visible and it makes me wish that there was something that we (friends) could do to lessen your load. Please know that we are here sending up our prayers. Losing someone we love is probably the hardest thing we have to encounter. They say that we become stronger after every trial that we face. Sometimes we'd just not like to be stronger. I can agree with that - I'm strong enough already! . Please remember that if there is anything that we can do, just ask.
That is a comforting thought. I'm okay for now, but I'm counting on all our friends at Nardin to give Warren a fitting farewell service and luncheon when the time comes. I know there will undoubtedly be many of our friends who can't make it for one reason or another - that's only natural, but I know Warren would feel very honored to have a lot of people come to see him off.
Thoughts and prayers remain with you.
Thank you for that - I feel them around me, in large part thanks to the communication available through Caring Bridge.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell all of you how wonderful Caring Bridge is. It has been a great tool for me to keep you informed and a great safety valve for my emotions. When the time comes for Memorials to Warren (preferred by many in lieu of flowers), Caring Bridge will be one of four choices we suggest. The other three choices are 1) Hospice of Michigan, 2) donations to eliminating cancer of any kind but especially the silent killer – pancreatic cancer – and finally 4) Nardin Park United Methodist Church. All those entities are very important to us and would be fitting ways to remember my beloved husband.
There may, of course, be other ways to remember Warren as well. For example, ASI (American Sailing Institute) members may want to do something to benefit the organization in memory of Warren. He would really love that, I know. Similarly, the Farmington Community Chorus members may come up with something in Warren’s memory to benefit the chorus Warren and I have both loved and supported for the past 18+ years. The possibilities are endless and all of them would be much appreciated!
Arnetta & Warren Journal
In light of my report on Warren today, the part of this entry that I wrote earlier in the day (below) may seem out of place. However, I have no doubt that it will be relevant again, as it has been in the past week when Warren stayed in his room until mid afternoon (if he left it at all) before coming out to the sunroom to nap on and off in front of the TV until bedtime.
This morning I expected a visit from a friend – our daughter’s former mother-in-law, Leona, - at 10:30am. Ironically, for the first time in many days, Warren was awake by 10am today and wanted to leave his room to come to the sunroom. I had planned to entertain Leona (who hadn’t wanted to “bother” Warren) in the sunroom while Warren slept in his bedroom as he had every morning this week.
I wasn’t sure Warren would feel up to having anyone else around but he said it would be okay today so I got him ready to sit in his spot on the sunroom couch just as Leona was arriving.
Warren didn’t say much while Leona was here, but he did join us for a couple bites of sinfully delicious Baker’s Square brownies which were a gift from Leona. (Warren had his two bites with 1/2 crushed Viokase in a teaspoon of applesauce).
Leona and I had a lot to talk about but Warren didn’t seem to mind our chatter. Leona is one of the family and, although Tim is the biological father of Caryn’s children, Leona thinks of the girls as her own grandchildren because she loves Caryn so much. (Another long and tragic story for another time or my book someday). Leona and I talked about many things including what a rainy weekend Tim and Caryn and Jay and Kate chose to take our four granddaughters camping at Camp Kilarney in the Irish Hills (last night through Sunday). Warren seemed to be listening at times but he didn’t join in.
A while after Leona left, our friend Muriel from church dropped by with some of her wonderful home made chunky applesauce and some quarters for my collection. (I haven’t updated the list lately but I know I still need a few Utah.) Muriel is a witness as to my continuing good health – she mentioned a couple times how good it was to see me looking so well and rested. Last night was a good night – I got a full eight hours with not one wake up call!
Warren says he feels stronger today and he acts stronger, too. Right now he is engrossed in watching Tiger play in the Bridgeport Classic Golf Tournament but later I hope to turn some of his energy into conversation between him and me!
Earlier in the day (prior to 10am) – Saturday, 8-8-09:
A couple of my friends have commented that my last two entries sounded very sad. I thought I was doing a good job of camouflaging my sorrow but I guess it is still visible to those who read between the lines.
Realistically, who wouldn't be sad? Hospice and Pie Susan have both told me that Warren will go from sleeping 90% of the time to a "final sleep" when there will be no more talking to be done.
"Final sleep" has such an ominous ring to it. Right now there is so much left undone and unsaid between the two of us. I'm afraid if Warren truly feels there is hope for life, much of what we should discuss will remain undone and unsaid, for it seems that as long as he has hope, Warren doesn't want to talk about DNR orders, death and funerals. Maybe I should bring those things up more, but I don't know how to do it gracefully and without pushing the issue.
I just pray to God that He gives me the privilege of saying a final “I love you” before Warren is carried off by the angels. People with experience also tell me Warren will still hear me during that final sleep just as I heard the doctors so many years ago when I experienced death. Then, at least if I am beside him, I'll be able to tell him I love him one last time.
It is a blessing that Warren has been able to sleep so soundly. It is likely he will drift away that way. That would be a good thing. I tell him how much I love him before he goes to bed each night so if he passes in his sleep he has been assured of my love beforehand. I also say “I love you” periodically throughout the day when Warren is awake so he is reminded then, too.
Of course, as my good friend, Helga, says, “there is no good time for death but some times are better than others.” Occasionally, I get distracted by the outside world or by a project. God forbid that death should happen then.
Above all, I pray that Warren’s final hours will be very peaceful and that the pain never returns! With or without pain, however, Hospice may give him morphine at the end to help the labored breathing which I expect will increase like it has in many cases as reported to me by Caringbridge readers.
Speaking of the Caring Bridge connection, last night my friend Pat wrote: I was impressed with your entry today. Please know that there are some of us (at least, me) out there who are not interacting with you daily, but we are reading your journals (daily) to keep up with yours and Warren's progress.
I know that is the case. Even though I get too many notes and guest book entries to respond to each one individually, the more than ample number of messages I receive in all forms is small in comparison to the number of hits on the journal page. That large number – now about 22,300 – thrills me, too. Every single digit means that another person cares or cares again. It's astounding!
Pat continued: I am always impressed with your ability to express all your thoughts in the journal. It is clear to see that this is therapeutic for you, but the pain is also sooooo visible and it makes me wish that there was something that we (friends) could do to lessen your load. Please know that we are here sending up our prayers. Losing someone we love is probably the hardest thing we have to encounter. They say that we become stronger after every trial that we face. Sometimes we'd just not like to be stronger. I can agree with that - I'm strong enough already! . Please remember that if there is anything that we can do, just ask.
That is a comforting thought. I'm okay for now, but I'm counting on all our friends at Nardin to give Warren a fitting farewell service and luncheon when the time comes. I know there will undoubtedly be many of our friends who can't make it for one reason or another - that's only natural, but I know Warren would feel very honored to have a lot of people come to see him off.
Thoughts and prayers remain with you.
Thank you for that - I feel them around me, in large part thanks to the communication available through Caring Bridge.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell all of you how wonderful Caring Bridge is. It has been a great tool for me to keep you informed and a great safety valve for my emotions. When the time comes for Memorials to Warren (preferred by many in lieu of flowers), Caring Bridge will be one of four choices we suggest. The other three choices are 1) Hospice of Michigan, 2) donations to eliminating cancer of any kind but especially the silent killer – pancreatic cancer – and finally 4) Nardin Park United Methodist Church. All those entities are very important to us and would be fitting ways to remember my beloved husband.
There may, of course, be other ways to remember Warren as well. For example, ASI (American Sailing Institute) members may want to do something to benefit the organization in memory of Warren. He would really love that, I know. Similarly, the Farmington Community Chorus members may come up with something in Warren’s memory to benefit the chorus Warren and I have both loved and supported for the past 18+ years. The possibilities are endless and all of them would be much appreciated!