A Funny Story

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
 
From The Do-Over (2016)
Charlie : How could you have not researched these guys?
Max : I researched them. Dr. Ron, a very successful doctor, with an impeccable record, who unfortunately got two bullets to the head.
Charlie : You said he died of natural causes!
Max : You naturally die if you get two bullets to the head.
 
A man answered an ad that read, "Hiring welders $18-$28 an hour".
When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.
He turned in two sets of welds.
When the boss asked him why he did this he replied, " one is $18 an hour, the other is $28 an hour".
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

The passenger asks, “Who?”

The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”

The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”

The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife 😊
 
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A funny and true story about the Queen:
Around 2005, the Queen and her Personal Protection Officer, Dick Griffin, were walking alone one afternoon in the hills near the Scottish royal castle, Balmoral.
Two tourists approached them, and engaged in conversation. Griffin recalls:
"There were two hikers coming towards us, and the Queen would always stop and say hello.
"They were two Americans on a walking holiday.
"It was clear from the moment we stopped that they hadn't recognised the Queen, which was fine.
"The American gentleman was telling the Queen where they came from, where they were going next, and where they'd been in Britain.
"I could see it coming, and sure enough, he said to Her Majesty: 'And where do you live?'
"She replied: 'Well I live in London, but I've got a holiday home just the other side of the hills.'
"He said: 'How long have you been coming up here?'
"She replied: 'I've been coming up here ever since I was a little girl, so over 80 years.'
"You could see the cogs whirring, so he said: 'Well, if you've been coming up here for over 80 years, you must have met the Queen.'
"Quick as a flash, she said: 'I haven't, but Dick here meets her regularly.'
The hiker then asked Griffin what the monarch was like in person.
"Because I was with her a long time, and I knew I could pull her leg, I said: 'Oh, she can be very cantankerous at times, but she's got a lovely sense of humour.'
"The next thing I knew, this guy comes round, puts his arm around my shoulder, and before I could see what was happening, he gets his camera, GIVES IT TO THE QUEEN, and says: 'Can you take a picture of the two of us?'
"Then we swapped places, and I TOOK A PICTURE OF THEM WITH THE QUEEN.
"And we never let on, and we waved goodbye.
"Afterwards, Her Majesty said to me: 'I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he shows those photographs to his friends in America, and hopefully someone tells him who I am'."
 
89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
 
I got a Lhasa Apso and bred it with several other dogs...
Bred with the Collie, I got a Collapso which folds down for easy transport.
Bred with a Boykin Spaniel, I got a Lhas Boy and it only drinks blood.
The Pekinese gave me a Pekhaso which was very abstract.
Then we tried a Keeshond and Lhas Ma Kees and we couldn't open the kennels anymore...
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
 
An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
 
The Boss saw that his most valued employee wasn't at his desk, and hadn't called in .

Worried, he dialed the man's cell. A small voice whispered, "Hello". The Boss asked, "is your Daddy home?" the voice whispered, "yes".

"May I speak with him ?" the child whispered, "No, he's busy."

"Well, can I speak to your Mommy ?"

Again, the whisper, "No, she's busy too!"

"What are they busy with?"

"They're talking to the policeman."

Hearing the sound of a helicopter, becoming more concerned, the Boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"It's the helicopter, unloading the searchers", the child whispered.

"Searchers? What are they searching for ?"

With a quiet giggle, the child responded, "me!"
 
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says; "Hey, haven't seen you in a while . You look terrible !"
"What do you mean?", said the pirate , "I'm fine!"
Bartender: "But you've got a wooden leg ! You didn't have that before ."
Pirate: " Oh, that ... we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball that took my leg off, but really, I'm okay !"
Bartender: "But, your left hand's gone and you have a hook !"
Pirate; "We were boarding a merchant ship out of Nassau when I got into a sword fight. I lost the hand, but I've been fitted with this hook, so I'm fine, I tell ya; I'm really okay!"
Bartender: The patch over your eye ! Have you lost an eye as well ?
Pirate: "Yes, as a matter of fact. You see, one day I was on lookout duty and, while looking up, an albatross pooped right in my eye. But I'm fine, honestly !"
Bartender: " Hold on ! You're telling me that bird poop destroyed your eye ??"
Pirate: " Not the poop : It was my first day with my new hook !"
 
Daddy calls home ; Child picks up ...

"Hi Honey, it's daddy ."

"Hi, Daddy !"

"Is mommy near the phone ?"

"No, daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

Brief pause...

"Honey, you don't have an uncle Paul..."

"Yes I do ;remember ? he's a mailman he's upstairs with mommy right now."

Longer pause

"Honey, I want you to go upstairs and knock on mommy's door and tell her

That daddy's car just pulled in to the driveway."

"Okay daddy: wait a minute..."

Long pause...

'I did it daddy!"

"What happened, honey?"

"well, first, mommy jumped out of bed with none of her clothes on.

She was rushing around to find her clothes and she tripped on the rug,

Hit her head, and now she's not moving."

"Oh, my God! What did Uncle Paul do ?"

"Oh, He jumped out of the bed and out of the window ! He

Landed in the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know you drained it last week...I

Think he's dead !"

"Swimming Pool ???"

Short Pause...

"Is this 785-6060??"
 
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