A Funny Story

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday.
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,

- "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back,

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather,

- "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says,

- "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido,

- "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs,

- "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,

- "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

- "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
Four hunters head out to hunt deer. They pair off and go in opposite directions.

That afternoon, two of the hunters come back to the truck empty-handed. They see one of the other two emerge from the woods alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

"Where's Fred?" one of the other two asks him.

"Oh, he's still up in the deer stand," says Fred's partner. "He had a heart attack."

"And you just left him there??!!"

"Well, yeah! Nobody's gonna steal Fred."
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on a tree in his garden. He searches online and finds a local gorilla removal service and calls immediately.

"Is it a boy or a girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," says the homeowner.

The service guy says, "Alright no problem, I can do it. I'll be right there."

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He tells the homeowner, "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect his testicles and you can quickly put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
I have this neighbor, an old man, who is suffering with dementia...
Every morning at 9:00, he knocks on my door. When I answer, he asks the same question every day : "Have you seen my wife?"
I answer the same way every morning : "Charlie, your wife died years ago ."

Now I could just say "I haven't seen her", or I could just not answer the door at all...

But I'd miss seeing the look of utter joy that comes to his face when he answers, "Really???"
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
Two guys are fishing on a boat, and one of them reels in an old lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out and yells, "I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAKE! FOR FREEING ME, YOU TWO GET ONE WISH!" The first guy yells, "I wish the lake was made of beer!" The genie claps and says, "It is done!" and disappears.

The first guy looks at his buddy and says, "What do you think about that?" The second guy says, "You IDIOT! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
Shopping with Spouse…

Her : What are you doing?
Him : I’m getting beer
Her: We can’t afford that.
Him: (Mumbling) You’re Shittin’ me… (Puts beer back)

Minutes later…
Him: What’s that?
Her: It’s make-up.
Him: $37 !! Put it back!
Her: It makes me look pretty for you !
Him : So does the beer ; only 10 bucks !
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Sri Lankan are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They are naked, and so beautiful, clearly they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," The Sri Lankan points out, "they have only a wild fruit to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Sri Lankan."
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

”Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"I think so,” said Little Johnny, "He stopped calling for help yesterday.”
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
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A State Trooper is sitting alongside the road when a car comes up the road doing 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder..." So he turns on his lights and pulls over the slow-poke.
As he approaches the vehicle, he sees two old ladies in the front seat and three more in the back.. The three in the back are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said , "What's wrong, officer? I was doing exactly the speed limit, 22 miles an hour." She pointed to a little sign just up the road.
"Maam," he replied, " that's not the speed limit sign , that's the route number , "22"

"Oh," I understand now ... I'm sorry, I get confused easily lately."
"No problem, but before I let you get on your way, are you sure the three ladies in the back are okay? They look scared to death, and haven't said a word since I pulled you over..."
"They'll be fine in a bit officer. We just came off route 116."
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A man walks into a bar and says "give me a beer before problems start!"
Again, the man orders a beer saying, "give me a beer before problems start! " The bartender looks confused.
This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start! "
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
I had a friend who bought an electric car. He loved it ! So he bought an electric shaver, then an electric mower, then an electric stove, then an electric chair..
We haven’t heard from him since.
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food ?" she asked, "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the hell, I'll treat her!"

So he walked her past the restaurant again.
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…
So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”
She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...
Here is her entry:

Carnation Milk Is best of all,
No tits to pull , no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch ,
Just poke a hole
In the Son-of-a- bitch
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

> Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went
on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
A couple went to a Sex Therapist office at a BIG Corporate Hospital.
The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"
The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Oberoi charges Rs. 15000,
Taj charges Rs.14000 ,
Le Meridian charges Rs.12500.
We do it here for Rs.1300,
>
> ...
> ...
I get that 1300, back from MediClaim.
 

LastManStanding

Well-known member
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. "The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the HSBC
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
Late one night, a burglar broke into a sleeping household. While he moved silently across the living room he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you".

Startled, he stood still in the middle of the room. "Jesus is watching you", the voice said again.

The burglar turned on his pen light and swept the room ... In one corner he saw a parrot on a perch. "Was that you saying Jesus is watching me ?" "Yes". The parrot replied.

"Is your name Jesus ?" the burglar asked. "My name is percy", the parrot answered.

"Percy ?? What idiot would name a parrot Percy ? "

"The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus!" replied the parrot.
 

Luckytrim

Grill Master
Gold Site Supporter
😂
“After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
 
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