Why English Teachers Die Young

JoeV

Dough Boy
Site Supporter
Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
 

TexasGirl

The Invisible
Super Site Supporter
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

I know someone like that!! ROFLMAO!!!
 

PieSusan

Tortes Are Us
Super Site Supporter
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


Farmer Brown has an orchard. For each peach tree there are 7 apple trees, for each apple tree there are 3 pecan trees.....

lololololol
 

Calicolady

New member
Each time I found my favoriter one, I found another.
All made me laugh and never would have thought of the same
analogies. Notice the first 4 letters of analogies! Anal.
Thanks Joe.
 
Last edited:

Maverick2272

Stewed Monkey
Super Site Supporter
:yum::yum::yum::yum:

I was laughing so hard I started coughing and choking and ended up hurting my chest!! #9 must like Douglas Adams, to quote from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, "The ships hung there in the sky, exactly the way that bricks don't".
LOL!
 

leolady

New member
My sister is an english teacher. I was getting happy cause I thought you knew something I don't. My sister is the worst in the world...........
 

Mr. Green Jeans

New member
DW teaches high school biology and chemistry. I should start a journal of the lab book entries. They're quite amusing as well. Sad thing ids kids today are writing in texting lingo, those lab books get rewrites.
 
Top