Feeling Guilty

I have to put my elderly Aunt into a nursing home, and tomorrows the day. She has lived with us for the past four years, but she's in the onset stages of Alzheimers, I think with a touch of dymensia, and we're no longer able to provide her with the level of care that she needs.

Its important to point out that Aunt Mary raised me, due to the fact that my mother had many issues of her own. WIthout her, I'm sure me and my brothers and sister would have been put into foster care long ago.

She's 86 years old, and doesn't get around very well. Her demeanor is quite unpleasant, and she refuses medicine, sometimes meals, and bathes maybe on a semi-annual basis. The problem I'm having is that she simply does'nt want to go, and she's making no bones about it. Better off dead, nobody wants me, etc. I am feeling so guilty about this I am at my wits end. I know this is what is best for her, but that doesn't seem to keep the guilt at bay.

Has anyone else been down this road? I am doing my best to handle it, but its very difficult-and I fear that the guilt will last long after she's moved out.

Awww Bob. Sorry. My Mom is in something of the same situation and moving her out of her real home a few years ago was difficult. Hang in there. Your aunt will be better off with professional care.

We are having to look down this road right now with my Mammaw.
Don't you dare feel guilty Bob!! You have done so much for so many people. One person can only do so much!! She will get the care she really needs and you will have peace of mind about it!! Your aunt loves you and you knowing that she needs more, shows how much you do love her!!

Thanks Buzz and Stacy-this is truly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Never been there but had to do the tough love thing before. It's not easy but you know it is for the best and has to be done for her own safety. Good for you giving her a place to stay for the past four years. I know how that can put a strain on a household. Best wishes buddy!!!

Awwww, Bob, I hate that this is happening in your life right now. It's an awful situation to be in. I haven't had to deal with anything like this, but I have friends who did and it was terrible for them, too.

All I can tell you is this - she was a parent to you when you needed one and your love and gratitude to her comes through in your every word. Now, because of her health and age, you must be a parent to her, in a sense. Sometimes parents have to do what's best for us, even when we hate it. I'm sure you remember your aunt making you do things you really didn't want to do and I'm sure you got angry sometimes. But later, you got over your anger.

I'm sure your aunt will become more accepting once she's had a chance to settle in and adjust to the change. And remember, one of the reasons she is resistant to moving is because you and your family have made her feel loved and safe and cared for. That's a tribute to you and I know you will find a way to help her make the transition.

Hugs to you, Bob.

I sure can't help with this as I have no experience. My grandmother lived with us the last 5 years of her life but she had all her facilities and only suffered from the lose of a foot which we could handle. Even with that we had a professional nurse come in 3 days a week to help her with more personal needs that neither my wife or I was equipped to handle for her.

I've never had to deal with this but I'll send you my good thoughts and tell ya that I don't think you should feel at all guilty. You did a good thing taking care of her like you did. Do what you have to do now and know that your love goes with her where ever she goes.

we had to do this with my grandmother ...
she layed the guilt on thicker than pea soup ..
i felt terrible about it .. but she lived alone in scotland ..
and we are here in the states .. all her family other family
was so far away they couldnt help .. and they didnt want
to .. after a week .. she settled down a bit and realized that
she actually enjoyed the place .. she stayed there for four years
till she passed .. and there were more people from the home at her
funeral than family .. you know in your heart the right thing to do ..
i hope she loosens up a bit and tries to find some joy in the place ..
and sometimes .. sometimes .. you have to do what is right for you ...

I've had to deal with it with both my Mom and my Dad. They're both gone now and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Yes, you feel guilty even after they have been there a while but you know in your heart that it is in their best interest. She needs more than love now...she needs professional care...care that you can't give her. So, SK do what you know is right and then visit her and spend time with her as often as you can.

SK, I know you feel guilty and the feeling never really leaves you. I did this with my mom over a year ago and still feel somewhat guilty. She still hates being there but with the dementia she's not too aware of the situation.
It does lessen because you have to realize that you're doing the BEST that you can. You cannot be all things to all people like I felt. I thought I was the worst daughter for doing this. I've been getting counseling from Hospice who goes in to see my mom 3 days a week. They have really helped me alot in making me see there was no other option.
You have to take care of yourself over and above every body else. When you feel better about yourself you will soon understand that you did do the right thing. They really don't understand the situation that they're in and think they are still able to do the things that they used to, so they have to blame someone. You have to be strong enough to not let it hurt so much.
I'm so sorry you have to be going through this, it is so so hard! My prayers are with you......

I have not had to make the decision myself but have witnessed it on behalf of my grandparents and then my parents.... My grandfather had mad every effort for his parents... buying them a condo is his building and looking after them daily.. but at some point it is just not possible.

You have done the loving and correct thing SK....

Bob,

I hope this helps. My mom is now in a nursing home. She was moved there from assistd living about a year ago. Alzheimer's,as well. She and my stepfather were living at home about 300 miles from me. I would get calls at night saying that I was disowned, I was driving up there to steal money, I hated my stepfather, he was beating her, she wanted a divorce, you get the idea.

The next day all was well. I always thought that my step father was inciting her. He was a horrible man. He went directly to a nursing home and mom was home alone. Her sister and the neighbors looked in on her and all was well, or so I thought. I got a quick consulting gig in Mexico (5 days). I got a phone call while down there that Mom had been put into a nursing home by the office of the aging, It was something called a respite stay, whatever that is, and I had 9 days to make a permanent arrangement. How all this came about is another difficult family story. Anyway, I was out of the country and I am an only child. I came home and found an assisted living home for her. I always wondered if I did the right thing, I had so many doubts. She is 300 miles from me, but, she is by her sister and where she grew up. There are more people to see her there than just me.

I did not know if I did the right thing till I had to clean out the house and I found the dirty clothes and things in her living conditions that I have a hard time talking about. She also fought me all the way. I got her a phone in her room so that we could talk. The home had to take it out, because she called 911 and told the cops that she was being beaten. It is so sad.

From what you have said, I believe that you are doing the right thing. I believe that the lord will put a signpost somewhere for you to see that will let you know that you are doing the right thing. It is said that early in life we are the children and our parents are over us. Later in life,the roles reverse.

It still stops me cold if she has to take a short stay in the hopital and the Dr calls me ans asks if I want a DNR (Do Not Recessitate) order on her.

Enough - Just trying to tell you that it hurts a lot, in the long run, she is safer and healthier. If you need to talk, PM me.

Andy

Once again, I turn to you guys and you come through! Thanks for sharing and the words of encouragement. Now that bedtime is approaching, and she realizes there won't be a call from the Governor, shes abandoned all hope and put on her most hurt, pitiful look. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel absolutely terrible, but I also know it's whats best for her, and my family as well.

Thanks again. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

smoke king said:

Once again, I turn to you guys and you come through! Thanks for sharing and the words of encouragement. Now that bedtime is approaching, and she realizes there won't be a call from the Governor, shes abandoned all hope and put on her most hurt, pitiful look. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel absolutely terrible, but I also know it's whats best for her, and my family as well.

Thanks again. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

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It's normal SK and the tears will flow. Take to heart that it is in her best interests and you both will get through this eventually. Your love for her will get you through this. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.......
{{{HUGS}}}

Wow, you guys.

I, too, am going through this, my worst nightmare, with my mother right now. And my only aunt is close behind her. I have spent most holidays and vacations with both of them, and, although they haven't died, I am grieving the loss of them, and missing the way they were, so very much.

I have never been one to talk about my life and feelings with any but my closest friends and family, but I appreciate those of you who do it so openly and so well.

Thank you, smoke king, for starting this thread, and thanks to the rest of you for sharing.

My prayers are with all of you who have traveled, and who are traveling, the same difficult path with me.

It sucks so bad.

Lee

It's for the best, Bob.

As long as it's a good home, She will get the care she will need.

smoke king said:

Has anyone else been down this road? I am doing my best to handle it, but its very difficult-and I fear that the guilt will last long after she's moved out.

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I nurse those folks Bob, and love them to bits.
She'll adapt. They all do.
Don't feel a bit of guilt. She's going to be in the best place for her needs.
Make sure you all make regular visits at first, then wait a while until she becomes accustomed to her new surroundings, then go back for visits later on.
In her state of dementia, she'll need to adjust in her own way.

Good advice, Sass. It's great to hear from someone with so much experience with people in the same situation as our family members.

Lee

Thoughts, prayers and HUGS going out to you today SK!!!

Well, the deed is done. Even though she really seemed to take to it, I'm a little worried about her. She has to navigate this place, which is rather large, and even though they assured me that they will keep a close eye on her, I imagine its a chore to watch so many residents all day and all night.

We stayed and had lunch with her, and the food was really exceptional-much better than the fare I was served at the County facility last month. The dining room is set up like a restaraunt, and they actually have "waitresses" to serve you, refill your drink etc. Her apartment is small but very nice, so we loaded her up with some snacks and stuff, and when I left she was watching TV, seemingly quite content.

But for some reason, I had a hard time going out the door, and all the way home I feel as if there is something I need to do. It occured to me that one thing thats bothering me is that this place is her last stop-and while she hasn't mentioned it, I'm sure thats crossed her mind as well. My house now seems a little empty-like something is missing. I expect to see her shuffling over to the coffee pot, but she isn't.

I expect it will get better. Just as she needs to adjust, so do I. Thanks again everyone.

smoke king said:

But for some reason, I had a hard time going out the door, and all the way home I feel as if there is something I need to do. It occured to me that one thing thats bothering me is that this place is her last stop-and while she hasn't mentioned it, I'm sure thats crossed her mind as well. My house now seems a little empty-like something is missing. I expect to see her shuffling over to the coffee pot, but she isn't.

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Bob, this brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure your aunt would be touched to know how much you care for her. It sounds like you have found a lovely place for her where she will have all of her needs met and yet it isn't terribly institutional. You've done well. I know it will be hard for her to adjust but maybe not as hard as for you, my friend. Try to enjoy your wife and kids tonight and not be too hard on yourself.

it gets easier ...
at least it did for me ...
like when i would call and she was busy for three days ..
playing bingo and going on field trips ...

smoke king said:

Well, the deed is done. Even though she really seemed to take to it, I'm a little worried about her. She has to navigate this place, which is rather large, and even though they assured me that they will keep a close eye on her, I imagine its a chore to watch so many residents all day and all night.

We stayed and had lunch with her, and the food was really exceptional-much better than the fare I was served at the County facility last month. The dining room is set up like a restaraunt, and they actually have "waitresses" to serve you, refill your drink etc. Her apartment is small but very nice, so we loaded her up with some snacks and stuff, and when I left she was watching TV, seemingly quite content.

But for some reason, I had a hard time going out the door, and all the way home I feel as if there is something I need to do. It occured to me that one thing thats bothering me is that this place is her last stop-and while she hasn't mentioned it, I'm sure thats crossed her mind as well. My house now seems a little empty-like something is missing. I expect to see her shuffling over to the coffee pot, but she isn't.

I expect it will get better. Just as she needs to adjust, so do I. Thanks again everyone.

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You'll adapt to the changes too Bob. I know you will
Your aunt's facility sounds about like the one where I work... we are one of the 5 star rated nursing facilities in the state of Ohio, and for good reason.

She's being watched, I have no doubt about that, probably more so because she's a new rezzie.
I'm sure they've already equipped her with a secure care on her ankle, and may have to sooner or later alarm a wheel chair and bed to keep her safe, if it comes to that.
Those things will be in her best interest.

It gets better every day, I swear.

My heart goes out to you. You did what was best for all concerned, so please don't feel guilty.

I am sorry Bob,
I know it is a hard thing to deal with! Nobody likes change. I just love the people around here for all the support.
Just an idea. but maybe you can make her a recording of a few of your songs. When she misses you, she can play them.

Actually, Grandson Sammy and I visited yesterday, and she seemed a little better. It was almost as if she wanted to tell me about the nice things she's discovering there, but she isn't quite ready to stop being mad yet!!

She isn't too crazy about their non-smoking policy (she has to go outdoors) and she misses the animals (our pets-not me and Sammy!)but other than that she seems a bit more settled. I think you nailed it Dan-nobody likes change.

We brought her flowers and a vase, and some framed pictures of the pets, and by the time we left, she was in pretty good spirits. Not to mention I know that they are making her eat at least two meals a day, and take her medications regularly. Hopefully, her outlook will continue to improve.

Our house seems a little more "empty" now, and while I still get pangs of guilt, I feel better knowing it was for the best.

smoke king said:

Actually, Grandson Sammy and I visited yesterday, and she seemed a little better. It was almost as if she wanted to tell me about the nice things she's discovering there, but she isn't quite ready to stop being mad yet!!

She isn't too crazy about their non-smoking policy (she has to go outdoors) and she misses the animals (our pets-not me and Sammy!)but other than that she seems a bit more settled. I think you nailed it Dan-nobody likes change.

We brought her flowers and a vase, and some framed pictures of the pets, and by the time we left, she was in pretty good spirits. Not to mention I know that they are making her eat at least two meals a day, and take her medications regularly. Hopefully, her outlook will continue to improve.

Our house seems a little more "empty" now, and while I still get pangs of guilt, I feel better knowing it was for the best.

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she is going to be fine!! And you will be okay too!!

smoke king said:

It was almost as if she wanted to tell me about the nice things she's discovering there, but she isn't quite ready to stop being mad yet!!

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LOL!!! She may never be quite ready to admit you were right or even *gasp* say thank you.

After my dad died, I surprised my mom with a big TV (hers was a 13"). Her response was "You know I don't watch TV". Since then, we can't call when Lost, CSI, Desperate Housewives and a whole list of other shows is on because she's busy watching. But she still says "That was a waste of money - you know I don't watch TV".

She was complaining about telemarketers calling all the time because it's hard for her to get to the phone dragging her oxygen. So I got her a great set of phones with talking Caller ID, so she'd know who is calling. What does she say to that? "That voice is really irritating to me. You'd think they'd use a more pleasant voice."

But I know that deep down she knows I love her and appreciates what I do for her. I know your aunt does, too, SK.