Elderly Parents

DW and I have been thinking about this a lot. My mil & fil are in their late 70s and still very active but slowing down.

What happens when they can't cope anymore. I have read the news stories about residential homes over here, the poor outnumber the good ones, and have noted what PieSusan, Homecook and a few others have said & the problems they have had with care facilities. It worries me about the future, because I do not want people I love to be in a place where they are not cared for well.

DW and I have decided and told them that we will care for them in their own home (we are looking at a shared property), and even if we need to hire help, we will porperly supervise.

What are other people's view on this?

Sadly...we have yet to really plan anything and we should. It's an easy thing to put off because it's such an unhappy thing to think about.....

Ray, I think you and your DW are wonderful! Your in-laws are very lucky to have you!

Lee

I have no clue. Neither of us are on speaking terms with our parents, so I have no idea how that would go down...

Well as someone though not in my 70's yet I'm getting there. Now I have 3 surviving son's all of which want us to move in with them. To be honest no matter how bad my wife and I got if their plan's where to put us in a home then simply euthanize us and be done with it. I really don't expect to live long enough that I can't take care of myself but in either case I wouldn't want to be a burden on my kids nor anyone else for that matter. I'm a big believer in going out with dignity at least as much as any human being expects.

This is a tough situation, Miniman. We cared for my MIL and my FIL and we will care for my mother when she finally moves here. The hardest part is trying to reach a balance that everyone can live with.

For example, my mom has 8 cats and 2 dogs. That's too many to live in the 1000 sq. ft. guest house. Her house right now is very large and can accomodate all of them. But they are getting to be too much for her to care for - she cannot lift the bags of food or kitty litter, among other things. The rub is that I don't want to be stuck caring for so many animals, in addition to my own. But she isn't ready to part with any of them. Right now, me and my kids take turns travelling 4 hours each way to get the pet supplies every week or two. That's getting hard. She would really like to move here with me but wants me to find a way for her to have all her animals. On the one hand, I don't want to tell her I just can't/don't want to be responsible for the care of that many animals. On the other hand, I don't want my family to be stuck with all those animals to care for. Her health is very fragile and she will not be able to do it herself much longer.

Wow, that was way more than you wanted to know, right? But my point is that the planning of the details is the stuff that makes or breaks the situation. Good luck to you, Miniman. I admire you and your wife because it is definitely a life changing decision, although I think it's worth it if you are able to do it.

Not many options for your parents, but learn from their situation. I'm fortunate to still have both my parents, 91 and 87, and they are still living independently, but needing more help week by week. As of a month ago, my father was still driving with no accidents. He's depressed by his age, and has exiled himself to his bed the last month. He's getting weaker so we took the car home with us last week (his last trip out was to get a haircut). Looking at them, I'm maintaining a hobby (cooking) and planning for my own old age with my hopes to build a new home. If we're able to do that, it will have an internal apartment for my parents if both or either is still living then, and someone to look after us when we reach that age. One of the few things that bothers me is the thought of my son making decisions for me like I see us making decisions for my parents. I want to make my own decisions, in advance if necessary.

Amen Warren, only my grandmother ever lived with me due to losing a foot in her 80's. She lived to her early 90's and handled her own affairs and had her own room and bathroom in my home at the time. She died in her sleep which is if you have to choose that would be the best. She had all of her mental faculties though physically unable to get around as she had even into her late 70's. The rest of my parents died much earlier while still living in their own homes. I know Dawn and I plan to go in our own place taking care of each other. I sure wouldn't want to be a burden on my children and my grandmother never was on Dawn and I. We sure didn't make any decisions for her in any way shape or form. Simply gave her a comfortable room and surroundings and took care of her physical needs when she was unable to.

Oh, wait a minute Joe. I definitely want to be a burden.... pay backs are hell. I just want to make my own decisions

Nah, I don't think so Warren. I get the feeling we aren't much different in this department though we disagree about many other things. You, in your own way is as independent as I am and you know how I am.

I agree with you and Warren, joec. I don't mind being a burden but I don't want to be too big a burden.

I was discussing this with my son Nick one day and he said "Don't worry, I'll take care of you and Dad if and when you need help". Then he got quiet for a minute or two and said "Maybe you should call one of the other kids first, though". I laughed and asked him what made him think he was first on the list???

My parents bought themselves long-term care insurance... I'm not sure if that makes any difference on what kind of place they end up in....
The thought was this when they bought it. They had my brother and I later than most people did back in the 70's.... They were 34 and 36 when they had me, I'm oldest. They wanted degrees and all that goony stuff first. I had my first at age 25, and they knew that I would still have relatively small children to take care of when they were at the age where they needed to be taken care of... My brother and his wife have decided not to have children, and I don't think they wanted to BE the children that weren't wanted in the first place.
Mom is 68, Dad will be 71 next week. Still doing just fine, both working, but it's something to start thinking about a little more seriously.

Fisher's Mom said:

I agree with you and Warren, joec. I don't mind being a burden but I don't want to be too big a burden.

I was discussing this with my son Nick one day and he said "Don't worry, I'll take care of you and Dad if and when you need help". Then he got quiet for a minute or two and said "Maybe you should call one of the other kids first, though". I laughed and asked him what made him think he was first on the list???

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I bet he was thinkin real hard after that one!

Well my grandmother lived in her own house independently until she was 97. She then had to go into an ass't living facility (the one my mom is at) She lived to 99! Her eyesight and hearing were bad, but she was still as smart as a whip til the day she died.
My mom on the other hand because of her diabetes and dementia went into the facility at 77. She and my grandmother were roommates. lol
We've got stairs in our house that my mom is not able to manuever as she is wheelchair bound.
I would have loved to have my mom stay here with us, but it's just not realistic. She needs too much care that I'm not capable of giving her. I would have to hire someone to help out and I think it would be more expensive that what I'm paying for now. It's not cheap. My dh is on disability and I don't work......I have 3 brothers that are fine with the ways things are because they don't have to deal with anything. Or do anything. Sad fact! I live with guilt every day but I have to do what I have to do.
I just hope everyone thinks things through and realizes what they're getting into. It's not easy!

Barb

This is such a heavy subject. I have been through it, and will share it later, and what I learned, but it is too late tonight to get into. Blessings to all in this situation. You will need all the strength ,wisdom and patience that you can access.

Back in the early to mid 70's Moms Mother moved in with us. Things were fine because Dad was the man of the house and in Old Country fashion the Man of the house ran the family. Then Dad died and Grandma thought she ran the house except it was Moms house and Grandma didn't have the tools to make decisions. Being unable to accept this Grandma used the tools she did have to create drama, As the World Turns, Edge of Night, Guiding Light, you name it. Fact Grandma was so good at creating drama she made a Rift between my sister and myself that still exists round a quarter century later.

All sorts of things to take into consideration when asking parents to move in with you.

My MiL has diabetes and Dementia. Wife has 7 siblings. Thats another story, I'm not up to writing about it right now.

This is why we are talking about it now, and talking to them.

If we did have to use a residential care place, I would investigate it very carefully, I do not what to see people I love just dumped somewhere where they not their own person.

We are looking at buying this wonderful house with my in laws that would facilitate any option we want

mm, my wife and i decided that we'd do the same thing and care for her parents in their own home in their last years. so, even though it's in a semi-crappy town, we turned their house into a 2 family, and moved in. actually, i don't think we ever discussed it much. we just knew it was the right thing to do.

this was the best and worst decision of my life.

the worst part is that now that they have both passed, we've been stuck in a small house in a declining neighborhood for the past 5 years while we could have afforded much better if we just bought our own home years ago.

the best part is that my soul is clean. i know i did the right thing by them. someday, we will sell this place and finally get the home i've always wanted.
if that someday doesn't come soon, i'm going to go crazy, though. short trip that it will be.

I am like you BT, I have made great sacrifices to care for my parents and yet, my soul is clean and I have no guilt whatsoever. I have done the best I can; I just wish that I had taken better care of myself in the process. I tried to be superwoman and refused to listen to others who told me that I couldn't care for my parents on my own. Although the costs have been great, the rewards have been even greater. I was closer to my parents than either of my brothers and they learned to see me not just as their little girl but a competent, responsible adult that they could rely on and trust completely. That alone has meant the world to me and so has learning from their wisdom. My dad did his best to impart to me all of what he had learned. It has not been easy trying to fill his shoes. Further, although my relationship with my mom has had its ups and downs, we have repaired our relationship. She gave me a gift that I never thought I would receive. She apologized to me for the things she had done to me in the past and said she had no idea why she had given me such a hard time and she meant it. She tells me all the time that she loves me and that I am a good daughter. These are things that I never thought she would say so openly. She use to say nice things about me to her friends but never to me.

When my father died 11 years ago my sister and I had no problem with Mom living in an apartment by herself. A few years later she could no longer climb the stairs, and although she protested, we moved her into an assisted living facility. Within two weeks she was right at home and happy as can be with all her new friends. A few years later more problems developed and we moved her again into the memory unit of another facility located close to my sister. Today is Mom's 97th birthday and even in her decline she finds happiness and satisfaction in her life. The brain compensates for loss in amazing ways. She led a long life full of friendship and love. She was charitable and giving of herself always and I feel that the peace she has within herself is a sign that she is being rewarded.

That is a beautiful story Buzz. Wish your mom a very happy birthday! Dementia made my mom a kinder, gentler version of herself. I know that the disease process is much harder on me than it is on her and that is a blessing. I, too, see that although she is not the same person as she once was, she still has a quality of life that she enjoys and that is what I try to protect. Dementia teaches one to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment and be grateful the for the good moments.
God Bless Your Mom.

Right on, Susan, and thanks. You certainly know what you're talking about. I guess one has to go through the experience from our end of it, but I don't wish it on anyone. It's just part of life.

No, I would definitely not wish the experience on anyone!

happy birthday buzz's mom!!!!!!!

There seems to be a consensus that assisted living/residential care can work. Is it that we also really need to be involved in their lives and make an extra effort to keep the relationship?

buckytom said:

happy birthday buzz's mom!!!!!!!

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She'll thank you, BT. This afternoon my sis and her family are treating Mom and her fellow residents to a birthday bash and I'll tell her what you said on the phone.

ps - it doesn't take much to make a bunch of really old people very happy and that's why they're all included in the party.

My parents have made and are making extraordinary effort to keep their parents in their homes because for they really did/do not want to go into any sort of facility.

All three of my grandfathers and one of my grandmothers remained home until the end. This took lots of work and lots of money.

My grandfather eventually placed my great-grandparents in a facility but this was only when they were no longer capable of any form of self sufficiency.

I have 2 surviving grandmothers. One in her 90's is still totally independent. I know she dreads moving in with or near her daughter. She has been able to adjust well though making changes in her life to make it work. She has had no problem moving and changing her social life for different situations.

My other grandmother is in her 80s and fairly healthy but frail. She has been intractable. Refusing to give up either of her large houses and refusing to spend any money to make them easier for herself to live in. She has 5 children running circles around her trying to make her happy but she was always a difficult person and has become more so. , I can't imagine that she will go into any sort of assisted living. If she did she would be miserable because she is not very sociable. He friends were always her family and most of them are gone or also somewhat limited in mobility. Eventually she will probably agree to move in with one of her children. Any one of them will take her but the problem is that all 5' 90lbs of her still manages to terrorize every one of them.

My folks have made it clear though that they do not want us (their kids) to do this for them. I think dignity for my grandparents meant staying at home... for my parents it means not having to rely on us. They also don't have the assumption that my grandparents did that their kids would be nearby.They have been planning a bit more and are all ready talking about moving to more practical housing.

My parents are still young though I wonder how things will change in time. I remember my grandparents young and fun with vacation houses and boats and going hunting and stuff it was tough to watch the changes in them and tough on my parents to deal with it and accept it.

For my folks I am very thankful for the fact that they are both happily married and their respective spouses are there to look out for them for now.

That is a key word - dignity. Maybe I should have started about how we maintain dignity for our parents.

My mom died of cancer 12 years ago, and I felt she had no dignity towards the end.

******Contrivercial thought******

Should we always to strive to keep someone alive no matter what. We allow our animals to go in dignity.

Miniman said:

******Contrivercial thought******

Should we always to strive to keep someone alive no matter what. We allow our animals to go in dignity.

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It's a personal matter. That's why living wills exist. Works for my family and me.

buzzard767 said:

It's a personal matter. That's why living wills exist. Works for my family and me.

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This idea and views on housing are about to come 'center stage' in a very big way. There are 78 million baby boomers entering retirement age.

I watched David Hyde Pierce (he played Niles Crane on "Frasier") testify in front of Congress on the impact of this large population and Alzhiemers.

I've made no secret of the fact that I am bipolar. However the very fact that I am stems from heredity. My mother was bipolar--and she died of complications from Alzhiemers.

I had some very serious discussions with my personal physician on "the odds" that this upped my exposure.

No one knows.

But I will tell you this, everytime I forget a telephone number, a person's name or an errand my wife has given me, I wonder.