Vent/seeking opinions.....

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Ok as you guys know Percy and I got married very beginnning of Nov in a court house ceremony due to our present circumstances (my getting pregnant before our orig planned wedding date and his leaving for Iraq again..). My family and friends knew much ahead of time that we weren't planning a traditional ceremony and there were no hard feeling on them not being there (esp. since they are all in California)......my issue/ question is I can't help but feel hurt and a bit offended that not a single solitary family member or friend bothered to send a congratulations card for our marriage let alone a gift of any sorts!
Now please dont get me wrong, I in no way expected to be showered in gifts as a couple might be if they had a huge wedding of which they registered for....but not even a single card??

For my best friend's wedding I spent over 300 in her gifts (cash as well as an expensive gift they registered for) and I in turn got a face book congrats and a text message and about two weeks later an oh I havent asked about your wedding day yet did I?? :sad:

Part of me feels petty for feeling resentful and hurt....yet part of me feels justified!

What do you guys think? How would you feel in my place?

TIA

buzzard767 · Dec 2, 2009

Did you get emails? How about cell phone congratulatory calls? The world is changing. If you didn't hear from family and friends in any form you deserve to be pissed.

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

I got facebook messages.....which of course is fine and nice for those I don't speak to often, or for those who I have a casual relationship with. But I'm talking about my immediate family and friends I have grown up with and are closest to.

Cooksie · Dec 2, 2009

Deelady said:
I got facebook messages.....which of course is fine and nice for those I don't speak to often, or for those who I have a casual relationship with. But I'm talking about my immediate family and friends I have grown up with and are closest to.

I think that I would have my feelings hurt too

. Hopefully they'll pull through a little later.

homecook · Dec 2, 2009

I think I'd find new friends. j/k
I would be hurt and pissed! Not to make excuses but were they thinking you were still having a big wedding in the very near future and were planning on waiting until then? That really doesn't excuse them from at least sending a card and wishing you the best. Sometimes it just comes down to out of sight out of mind......and that hurts like hell.... :sad:

I'm sorry Dee. If I would have had your address I would have sent you a card!! Love you hun! :flowers:

Mama · Dec 2, 2009

First of all Dee, I think that you have every right to feel the hurt.

People have a tendency to get caught up in their own little world sometimes. Life can be pretty busy and they become focused on the craziness in their own lives and forget about the people they love and care about.

I don’t think that your friends or family would intentionally hurt your feelings but sometimes our priorities get out of whack. We’re all human and we all screw up. Not to make excuses but sometimes we need some help getting our ducks back in a row.

Maybe you could take this opportunity to tell them how they made you feel in a way that will do just that. It won’t do any good to get mad (which is our first instinct when we’ve been hurt) and disown them or scream at them…you don’t want to burn any bridges…and it won’t do you any good to hold it in because it will only stay there and stew. Get it out in a constructive way…a way that will get your point across and maybe make a positive change in their lives. Maybe send them each a letter or an email telling them how you feel…just make sure to think your words out carefully first.

joec · Dec 2, 2009

My wife and I got married by a Justice of the Peace with about 4 other family members present. None of our friends sent cards or congratulations let alone gifts but all when they heard voiced their opinion on how stupid we were for getting married. I might add that members of our families said we would only last 6 months. Well all these years later we can't remember who those friends were and the family members have also been gone for years. In the long run it really doesn't matter in the over all schema of things.

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

homecook said:
I think I'd find new friends. j/k
I would be hurt and pissed! Not to make excuses but were they thinking you were still having a big wedding in the very near future and were planning on waiting until then? That really doesn't excuse them from at least sending a card and wishing you the best. Sometimes it just comes down to out of sight out of mind......and that hurts like hell....
I'm sorry Dee. If I would have had your address I would have sent you a card!! Love you hun!

Actually thats exactly what Percy said.... :blush:

But then again my friends are not what he considers "true" friends even though we have been friends for over 25 yrs....
And no they weren't expecting us to have a big wedding because they knew we planned to still hopefully go to the Bahamas for a weddingmoon after the baby is born and old enough to be able to leave with her aunt for a week or so.
It would be one thing if they didn't approve of who I was marrying or how wewent about everything....but they have always loved Percy and I together and said they understood exactly why we did the things we decided to do.....bottom line it is what worked for us. But just because we didn't take the tradtional route does that mean we should just be treated like we went and bought a new car....."oh! good for you! So hey how about those Red Sox??.....

Maybe it a female thing, because my husand doesn't seem upset,but I know he feels bad that it hurt my feelings.

:blush:

Thanks Barb :blush:

And Thanks Cooksie and Buzz....I was just wanting to know what others would feel....

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Maybe you could take this opportunity to tell them how they made you feel in a way that will do just that. It won’t do any good to get mad (which is our first instinct when we’ve been hurt) and disown them or scream at them…you don’t want to burn any bridges....

Thats not my nature at all, which kinda makes me wonder if that is why they brushed it off...knowing I wouldnt make a stink about it.

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

joec said:
My wife and I got married by a Justice of the Peace with about 4 other family members present. None of our friends sent cards or congratulations let alone gifts but all when they heard voiced their opinion on how stupid we were for getting married. I might add that members of our families said we would only last 6 months. Well all these years later we can't remember who those friends were and the family members have also been gone for years. In the long run it really doesn't matter in the over all schema of things.

Thats also EXACTLY what my husband said! Which I do agree with at the end of it all, I know what matters is that it was a special day for us and that it will not effect us and how successful our marriage will be.....in fact he also said "Some of the strongest marriages start with the humbelest beginnings" :wub:

chowhound · Dec 2, 2009

I guess I would feel a little pissed, but stepping back and looking at it objectively...
Big or traditional wedding aside, I've been to JP weddings held out of the courthouse where a hundred people were there. In spite of the distance, did you ask anyone to come? Maybe they are upset, too.
The other thing I can see, and I'm not saying it's right because like I said, I would be a little pissed/miffed (guys don't get hurt lol), how long have you been living together? Even twenty-some years ago I was at a wedding that everyone knew about, but the couple had been living together awhile, too. And back then email was maybe somebody's pipe dream? I was tight with the couple and don't recall them getting any cards or gifts. I would have known. Maybe nobody wanted them to marry or just figured it was blase, as they had been together 4-5 years anyway.

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Mama said:
First of all Dee, I think that you have every right to feel the hurt.

People have a tendency to get caught up in their own little world sometimes. Life can be pretty busy and they become focused on the craziness in their own lives and forget about the people they love and care about.

I don’t think that your friends or family would intentionally hurt your feelings but sometimes our priorities get out of whack. We’re all human and we all screw up. Not to make excuses but sometimes we need some help getting our ducks back in a row.

Maybe you could take this opportunity to tell them how they made you feel in a way that will do just that. It won’t do any good to get mad (which is our first instinct when we’ve been hurt) and disown them or scream at them…you don’t want to burn any bridges…and it won’t do you any good to hold it in because it will only stay there and stew. Get it out in a constructive way…a way that will get your point across and maybe make a positive change in their lives. Maybe send them each a letter or an email telling them how you feel…just make sure to think your words out carefully first.

To tell you the truth I think wouldnt matter how delicately I worded myself....their defenses would pop into action immediately and it would turn into world war 3 and all MY fault. :huh:

My family has a funny way of doing that. I had no intentions on bringing it up to them but I was just trying to come to terms with it in my own mind and heart. The worse I would ever do is to simply keep my space and not go out of MY way in contacting them or doing special things for them....which feels crummy enough to me

Fisher's Mom · Dec 2, 2009

I understand how you feel, Dee. You have always been careful to help others celebrate their weddings by sending cards and gifts so when no one sent even a card, it stings.

I suspect that the economy and the closeness to the holidays may have something to do with it, like Homecook and Mama mentioned. Maybe those who can't budget for as nice a gift as they would want to send you are thinking they will be better set in February and can send something wonderful then.

Also, people are funny about it when you've been living together for a while before you get married. They seem to rationalize that you probably already have everything you need as far as household stuff and that the marriage is just a formality. I don't think my son and DIL got many gifts from people outside the family since they had lived together for a number of years.

Of course, the gift isn't the point! The point is that you got married and it's a huge event in your life and you are surprised and hurt when those closest to you don't seem to acknowledge it.

Maybe, as Mama suggested, you could post a well-thought out thing on your FB page, gently mentioning how thrilled you are to have taken this huge step in your life and you are bewildered not to have heard much from friends and family.

Big hugs to you, Dee.

joec · Dec 2, 2009

By the way Dee, my wife and I got married in 1964, and they said it wouldn't last 6 months. :lol:

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

chowhound said:
I guess I would feel a little pissed, but stepping back and looking at it objectively...
Big or traditional wedding aside, I've been to JP weddings held out of the courthouse where a hundred people were there. In spite of the distance, did you ask anyone to come? Maybe they are upset, too.
The other thing I can see, and I'm not saying it's right because like I said, I would be a little pissed/miffed (guys don't get hurt lol), how long have you been living together? Even twenty-some years ago I was at a wedding that everyone knew about, but the couple had been living together awhile, too. And back then email was maybe somebody's pipe dream? I was tight with the couple and don't recall them getting any cards or gifts. I would have known. Maybe nobody wanted them to marry or just figured it was blase, as they had been together 4-5 years anyway.

Well we've been together 5 yrs and as you know have a 3 yr old together. Like I said we decided to do things a bit backwards and decided to focus on buying our house first to be sure we had a home we felt our daughter deserved and after we were stable enough we then planned to focus on a little something special for us in way of wedding and honeymoon in the bahamas.....but then I got pregnant again so plans changed once again....familiy knew all along our plans and never said a word of being insulted in not being included even though I openly invited anyone who was able to make it, was more than welcome! But being that it was suppose to be in the Bahamas I knew it was unlikely....
Everyone has been hounding us since I can remember "when are you getting married??" and now that we have.....nothing!

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

joec said:
By the way Dee, my wife and I got married in 1964, and they said it wouldn't last 6 months.

Definately something to look forward to!!

Maverick2272 · Dec 2, 2009

I know I would be hurt, or more specifically was hurt when it happened to us. We got married at the court house as well. My family didn't even acknowledge the wedding except to let me know in no uncertain terms that they disapproved and I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
Her mom and dad did show up, but her dad spent the entire time scowling at me and made sure I knew I wasn't good enough for his daughter. We both breathed a sigh of relieve when they left.
Course, that was 15 years ago and no matter how hard they tried (and oh boy did they ever try) they couldn't break us up. In the end, we had to break all contact with them because they were still trying to break us up.

joec · Dec 2, 2009

Deelady said:
Definately something to look forward to!!

Don't! She says she hates me and never wants to see me happy is they only reason we are still together. :yum:

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Yeah I can tell by the pics!!!

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Fisher's Mom said:
I understand how you feel, Dee. You have always been careful to help others celebrate their weddings by sending cards and gifts so when no one sent even a card, it stings.

I suspect that the economy and the closeness to the holidays may have something to do with it, like Homecook and Mama mentioned. Maybe those who can't budget for as nice a gift as they would want to send you are thinking they will be better set in February and can send something wonderful then.

Also, people are funny about it when you've been living together for a while before you get married. They seem to rationalize that you probably already have everything you need as far as household stuff and that the marriage is just a formality. I don't think my son and DIL got many gifts from people outside the family since they had lived together for a number of years.

Of course, the gift isn't the point! The point is that you got married and it's a huge event in your life and you are surprised and hurt when those closest to you don't seem to acknowledge it.

Maybe, as Mama suggested, you could post a well-thought out thing on your FB page, gently mentioning how thrilled you are to have taken this huge step in your life and you are bewildered not to have heard much from friends and family.

Big hugs to you, Dee.

Thank you FM

I'll try to keep an open mind.

Adillo303 · Dec 2, 2009

Dee - a marriage is special. It is about you and your husband and your commitment to each other. It is made more special by the wellwishes frrom friends and family. You are absolutely justified in feeling the way that you do.

I know times and customs have changed, but, we humans are still social beings. that is how we are wired. We are bolstered by our friends and family. They could have done something.

suziquzie · Dec 2, 2009

I'd be upset, but I'm kinda squishy like that...... Like you, I wouldn't say anything, and it would happen again in some form.
Try not to let it get to you. I know, easier said than done.

Deelady · Dec 2, 2009

Thats why I was thinking even a card! I am by far not a materialistic person. Ive have always been "its the thought that counts" kind of person.
But I guess in this day and age even that is asking too much.....

joec · Dec 2, 2009

It is funny though how the thought that counts really works for me. My kids never forget their mother's birthday, Christmas and mother's day. Me well I'm simply the mushroom in the house, they feed me shit and keep me in the dark. I can't remember the last father's day card or birthday card I got from one of my kids, grandkids. Now my wife's girl friend always sends me cards for all the holidays, problem is she refers to me as POPS, damned kids.

PieSusan · Dec 3, 2009

Sweetie, I understand completely and I would be hurt as well. I don't know if it were an intentional snub. Perhaps at a later time, you can invite everyone to a religious wedding or a rededication of your marriage in church. That way you can have a party with your close friends and family there and those who wish can come with presents. It might be that some were upset that you eloped but I think you did the right thing and I am thrilled for you!

Bilby · Dec 3, 2009

Haven't logged on in a while, so CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

And yes, I would be mighty miffed however I would also hold back on any criticism just in case I jumped the gun and things were just delayed. But that's just cos I don't like hurting people's feelings and I have a bit of Irish in me, so can react a lot. So I don't say something cos it doesn't make it any better. Just vents your spleen.

If you say something and then got a present/card etc, well it feels like it is cos you said something, so you still don't "win".

I know a lot of people say that friends are forever etc but I have never been one of them. I believe that people change and that friends come in and out of your life at different times for different reasons. Some loiter - for good or bad!! But when you have a partner, they are your future and friends need to take a step backwards. If you are on good terms with your family, then friends come behind them too. Family - either the one you make or the one you are born into or both (Or more) - is the be all and end all in my book.

Feel justified in your hurt but don't dwell on it. But don't forget it either when your "friends" want something from you. The relationship is unlikely to ever be the same.

Onwards and upwards. New family. New priorities. New friends.

High Cheese · Dec 3, 2009

Deelady said:
Ok as you guys know Percy and I got married very beginnning of Nov in a court house ceremony due to our present circumstances (my getting pregnant before our orig planned wedding date and his leaving for Iraq again..). My family and friends knew much ahead of time that we weren't planning a traditional ceremony and there were no hard feeling on them not being there (esp. since they are all in California)......my issue/ question is I can't help but feel hurt and a bit offended that not a single solitary family member or friend bothered to send a congratulations card for our marriage let alone a gift of any sorts!
Now please dont get me wrong, I in no way expected to be showered in gifts as a couple might be if they had a huge wedding of which they registered for....but not even a single card??

For my best friend's wedding I spent over 300 in her gifts (cash as well as an expensive gift they registered for) and I in turn got a face book congrats and a text message and about two weeks later an oh I havent asked about your wedding day yet did I??

Part of me feels petty for feeling resentful and hurt....yet part of me feels justified!

What do you guys think? How would you feel in my place?

TIA

I stopped reading after your post.

The DW and I got married to help along with her get her green card. Only 4-5 of our closest friends and family knew. We finally agreed a couple years later that we should probobly come out with it, and did. We only received a gift (money) from one of my Uncles. All of my cousins had large, typical weddings. We didn't...big woop. It is what it is and the big 'ol wedding wouldn't have changed a thing now. Yes, we are missing out on say the photos, cake and all that but this is the path we chose.

...not to mention our relationship is alot better than the rest of my families. lol

suziquzie · Dec 3, 2009

PieSusan said:
Sweetie, I understand completely and I would be hurt as well. I don't know if it were an intentional snub. Perhaps at a later time, you can invite everyone to a religious wedding or a rededication of your marriage in church. That way you can have a party with your close friends and family there and those who wish can come with presents. It might be that some were upset that you eloped but I think you did the right thing and I am thrilled for you!

I dont see the point in throwing someone ELSE a wedding for YOU.
You got married. Have a party..... people who don't show up because you didn't do it the "right" way don't need to be there.

DH and I did the JP after being together 6 yrs and 2 kids. No it's not what I would have intended but I don't get up in front of people, and I dont do planning. LOL DH made the appt at the JP finally.... that was in May... in August we threw a huge party at our new house when we had plenty of space. And room for a keg

Large weddings to me are a ridiculous waste of money and time, all for one day where people are just going to pick you apart the whole time anyway.
It's your marriage and has nothing to do with anyone else but you and your little family.

Deelady · Dec 3, 2009

I just replied a long reply and it booted me....... :bonk:

Kimchee · Dec 3, 2009

I think that current etiquette (what's left of it anyway), is that JOP weddings don't "rate" gifts or cards, just a simple congratulations.
Over the years I have known of, attended or had in the family, about 6 of these, and none of them got, or expected, gifts. Cards, I'm not sure about.

Personally, I think you should just let it go and get on with your new happy life together. Weddings are just a celebration of the VOWS made, and nothing more.
It is the vows you two made that are important and should be what you are focusing
on, not who congratulates you, or who doesn't. Look inward now for happiness, and to heck with all the others!

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