Domestic Abuse

Last night I saw some of the affects of DA. I was working the door at the Legion for the Halloween Party and someone came in and got me saying a person had been punched in the face in our parking lot. I go to check it out, there was a woman with an eye injury and lacerations to the back of the head. The witnesses statements go with the injury in which the husband decked the wife in the eye and her head hit the pavement hard. I was trying to get an ambulance and keep the mob from killing this guy.

Long story short, she says she fell and he did not do anything to her, he says he pushed her. She yells at him NO YOU DID NOT!. She fell she says. She refused our continued offer for medical help and left with him.

I am sorry to bring this up but I am upset. I am no mental specialist of any type, but her protecting him is consistant with long term domestic abuse.

Once again, I'm sorry for bringing this up here, I am just so disappionted with the whole situation. Thanks for letting me rant.

That is very sad.....even sadder at how all too common that situation probably is
Problem is, just like people with a drug problem....they have to WANT help in order to get help.

Lefty said:

I am sorry to bring this up but I am upset. I am no mental specialist of any type, but her protecting him is consistant with long term domestic abuse.

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Unfortunately you are correct.

What Dee said - It is common and very sad. Also getting in between the husband and wife at that point could have brought both of them down on you.

I also agree with Dee in that if they do not want the cure then there is not much you can do.

Lefty, you are a good person. I have seenit too and know it hurts when you can't help.

This type of thing is horrible Lefty.
I've seen the after effects of it many times when I used to work ER, and have known some women personally who've suffered through the same.
Sorry you had to be a part of it.

I've intervened in such a situation once after seeing a guy hit a woman. I dropped him only to have going after me. My daughter died do to a situation similar only he shot her. Needless to say there never is a good out come when men beat up women. To me a man that beats a woman isn't much of a man.

joec said:

I've intervened in such a situation once after seeing a guy hit a woman. I dropped him only to have going after me. My daughter died do to a situation similar only he shot her. Needless to say there never is a good out come when men beat up women. To me a man that beats a woman isn't much of a man.

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spent a night in jail over beating my wifes step dads ass over him
thinking its ok to slap around a woman ....

Thanks for the replies. I can only say I am sad over the whole thing. These things never resolve well.

I work at all of my relationships all the time so we should never have to deal with that. A relationship is 24/7. There is no other way around it.

Nothing to be sorry about, on the opposite, if maybe more people talked about things like this, there would be less of abuse, maybe, at least I hope that would be the case.

Lefty, what you saw is described in the domestic violence vernacular as "awareness of death potential." Had she pressed charges, once her abuser was out on bail or jail, she knew that the beating she would get would be a whole heck of a lot worse. Her actions are not totally illogical. She has been emotionally, physically, spiritually and probably financially abused and she is in fear for her life. She doesn't know how to break free lest he kill or maim her. Most of the women who are killed or maimed that you read about in the paper who live in these situations were trying to leave.
In Ohio we have tried to make it so that a women does not have to press charges. The officer can see the evidence and act without her.

same goes in joisey. the police officers judge what they see and file the charges, not the victim. that way the victim cannot be coerced into dropping them.

lefty, you're a good guy not only to care as much as you do, but also because you weren't about to let the mob take things into their own hands. that takes cajones, man.

I'm sorry, but, getting out of that situation is NOT like smoking, you have to WANT to get help to fix it??? There is a lot more to it than that. Saying this makes the woman feel weak and stupid and that is further from the truth that you can ever imagine!!! Don't ever tell a woman, that if she WANTS out, then go. It makes her feel even more like dirt and beats her down even more.

I just wished I was aware of the problem before it got out of hand. I perhaps could of done something to stop it. With that said we had no hints or saw it coming at all.

Hindsight being 20/20, the history comes out. I found out that this couple has a long history with the police on both sides of the coin.

Why be together if you can't stand eachother?

I can only wash my hands of this and move on to help those that want it and need it.

I don't wanna start any problems, I'm just going to make an observation;
So far, all but three posters to this thread are men. Men are, typically, the abusers. Only one woman has posted.
I wish more women would step forward with first hand experience with DA and tell us what it's like.....if it's possible.
I understand them not wanting to, and I respect that, but, it would be good to hear their perspective.

umm, i count two women from ohio, and 1 from texas.

ok, i'll give you that texas women are as tough as guys from most other places, so... but that's still two.

Fixed it!

Biskit said:

I don't wanna start any problems, I'm just going to make an observation;
So far, all but three posters to this thread are men. Men are, typically, the abusers. Only one woman has posted.
I wish more women would step forward with first hand experience with DA and tell us what it's like.....if it's possible.
I understand them not wanting to, and I respect that, but, it would be good to hear their perspective.

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I like to think that we do not have any here who have first hand experience with domestic abuse. I know it is a real problem and it happens, but I have no idea what percentage of the population over all has experienced it, nor how that would compare to the small subset of folks we have here.
All that said, I also understand if we have a member who has gone through the hell of DA they might not want to talk of that here online.
Long way of saying I don't think you'll get a direct response to that request big guy.

buckytom said:

umm, i count two women from ohio, and 1 from texas.

ok, i'll give you that texas women are as tough as guys from most other places, so... but that's still two.

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Make that 3 women from Ohio.
Dee...myself and Susan.

I have suffered from mental abuse from my first husband, that was so long ago. He was very controlling and had me to the point of almost total mind control, TOTAL control until I finally walked out on the bastard and never looked back.
He couldn't keep his d!ck in his pants, and thought every woman who crossed his path were fair game.
He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Keep me in line, but feel free to do as he pleased. Can't believe I put up with that as long as I did.
Once I found out about the affairs, he didn't know what to think when I told him I was leaving.
He's on his third marriage now, to a short little buxon, bird-like- unattractive woman with a major attitude problem.
Our sons cannot stand the woman.

I like to think of it as a payback of sorts.
If that makes me a bitch for all those times he was unfaithful and rotten, so be it.

I didn't wanna answer but I will.

I had a bf of 3 years hit me once. It wasn't the end, but the beginning of it anyway. It only happened once.... he also could not keep it in his pants but expected me to not speak to any of my friends at all. Girl or boy, didn't matter.

I probably woulda been dumb and stayed but he decided to run off with one of the fugly slimy girls (that made me feel GREAT!)

Hindsight is 20/20 I only gained in that deal. Ended up with present DH a year later..... the friend he was most afraid of me talking to.

I hear ya, Doc, many don't want to talk about it. However, Thank-you, Sass and Suzi, for speaking your part. It took some kahonize to do that, and I respect the both of you for it.
Emotional and mental abuse is, IMHO, as bad as, or worse than, physical abuse. I have endured an amount of emotional abuse, myself and it's hard.
This is a touchy subject, at best, and I hope we can glean some knowledge from our discussion without having all hell break loose.

Gotta jump in here... I lived with a "man" for three years who was mean in everyway he could be. If there was a form of abuse he was GREAT at it. It all started slowly...the put downs, the controling of my time, my money, my BODY. I lost my friends, even my name.. I was known as "the stupid )#&$#U four eyed biatch it just got worse over time. He kicked me so hard once that I'm sure it broke a rib but, I wasn't allowed to go to the dr to have an x-ray. By the time I left I believed every word he said. Funny how a put down followed by a slap can make you believe something....

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE SOONER? It wasn't because I didn't want too.. it was because HE told me I couldn't. I did what I was told. I've always done what I was told. I was raised that way...

Having people tell me I could leave didn't make me feel worse. It gave me the power to go. If others could believe I could do it then maybe I could. Maybe, I could get myself and my son out of that place. It gave me a little bit of hope. I'm greatful for the people who told me I could go. I tell others to go for that reason.

WHAT MADE ME LEAVE? He hit my son. I was gone within a week. Luckily my mom let me come home....

DO I BLAME HIM? It takes two to fight. He was mean...but I allowed him to be. So I have to take part of the blame. NO one derserves to be treated like I was but...I let him so...part of the problem was mine.
He came from a horrid family and was physically abused from the time he was a baby.
He had one stepfather that EVERYNIGHT would line the kids up make them take down their pants and spanked (beat!) them with hotwheel tracks. Didn't matter what they'd done..even if they had been perfect kids..they got "the treatment" DO I BLAME HIM? YES, he was an adult who should have gotten help for his anger and drug abuse but...more so I blame his family for letting this happen to him. ABUSE was all he ever knew. How could he be any different?

I'm not sure I should have written this but... I do hope it helps those of you who have not had DV in your life understand just a little more about it.

Extremely well said Trish. As an aside it is really good to see yu here in any form.

I am sure this was not easy to write. I was lucky enough to grow up without being abused and taken care fo by two wonderful parents. I did have a GF who's son was a drug user and I saw the bad things that happened to his life. Only when he made the same types of choices tht you did was his life any better. I am happy for him and I am happy that you ar out of there. Godspeed to you and good to hear from you.

I hate to talk about; I hate to even think that something like this ever happened.
But I think I have to come out clean and tell you my story.

I lived with a “woman”. We were young she was beautiful, I really loved her, or at least so I thought. We were married very young. It started slowly, I would cut her making up stories, and then it became outright lying. She wouldn’t come home on time, my cigarettes would disappear, I’m not talking about a cigarette or a pack, and I’m talking about a whole carton. I always smoked Camel, even in Soviet Union; I always had 4-5 cartons of smokes, what’s the big deal you might say. Well I tell you Camel in Soviet Union was like Beluga caviar in America.
One time I came from a week long trip and could not find my snickers, finally I did, they were all muddy, very dirty, I asked what happened, she told me She went hiking with some girlfriends and one of the girl borrowed them, and she did not have time to clean them, that of course could be fine if Nike snickers were readily available, but they were as rear as the Camel. That would even be fine if she simply cleaned them and did not hide them in china cabinet behind the dishes.
My suspicious started to grow and I was getting more and more angry.
My next trip we agreed that she’d pick me up from the train station, not that I needed her, not that I couldn’t take a cab my self, but we agreed, well she wasn’t there, I called home number of times and then just got a cab and went home. I saw her running in just before the cab pulled to the house, I mean apartment building. When I asked her why she did not pick me up she said that she decided to make diner instead. Wonderful, I said, let’s eat. Well, she told me that whatever she was making got burned and she had to get rid of it. Well, here I couldn’t stand it anymore, I knew she was lying because I saw her and also because if she said anything else I could believe her, but when it came to cooking she was natural, she could put to shame me, my mother her mother, and all of us put together. She was not just a good cook she was an amazing cook. I tell you I can cook, and I can cook well, I know some good, really-really good professional cooks. She was better. Anyway this was our first major fight. In the middle of the fight she kicked me and I instinctively, defense mechanism kicked in, so I slapped her across the face. Thank G-d I did not hit her hard I could have break her in the half.
Well, after that it got worse. My designer close started to disappear, money. We kept on fighting. After that first time it was very easy to just slap her around, believe me I was not proud about it. I hated my self for it. But I loved her, I loved her so much. Abuse kept going on, she would not come home till 2-3 in the morning I would wait for her and just beat her up, never really hard, I would just keep slapping her across the face. Finally one time I cut her talking to her lover on the phone, that was when I first time found out. I almost choked her. Thank G-d phone rang, I was out of my mind, it is as if I was not there, as I was standing and watching somebody choking my wife and I was parallelized and could not move to save her, it was like a bad nightmare. The phone woke me up and I stopped. That was the only time when she was walking with bruises on her neck and face.
Latter I ran to ask forgiveness, as all other times, couple month latter she had an abortion. I bagged her not to, even though deep inside I knew it was not my baby. After abortion she did not come home, she moved out.
Thank G-d I probably would finally have killed her G-d forbid to even think such things.
Thinking back, she could have claimed to be a bettered, abused wife and she was, but I’m telling you, I loved her and I was at loss, I did not know what to do or how to act, I was crazy about her and she would drive me mad. Nobody deserves to be hit. But some times people cannot control themselves. Sometimes it is insanity that takes over you and you become something you are not. Some times men are not the only one to blame.

I’ve been married to a wonderful woman now for almost 18 years, and we have arguments sometimes, and we scream some times, and we get mad at each other some times, but never, never, never it crossed my mined to raise my hand at her. I would not ever do that. But also she would never drive me to insanity.

Well as a man married since '64 to the same woman I've had moments I wanted to kill her but have never raised a hand. I sure she has felt the same more than once but we have always been able to talk out our problems. Respect, trust and a sense of humor are the most important things to a long relationship. The respect is for yourself as much as your partner and is also true with trust. A sense of humor is important on both parts as well as the ability to admit your own stupidity sometimes and laugh it off.

I came from both an abusive mother and father either of which was capable of doing serious damage to me or my brother especially after a few drinks. I promised myself that I wouldn't wind up like them and luckily I had grandparents that took us in young enough to stop that pattern from ever forming in us. Neither of us would think seriously about hitting our wives and both of us have been married 1 time forever. My mother married twice and my father 7 times before they died.

Now I am simple in my thinking I guess if a woman hits me she is no longer a woman as asking me to deck her. That said I wouldn't raise a hand to any woman unless physically threatened. The same is almost the same with a man though the threshold for physical threat is lower with a man. A verbal threat is enough for me to be willing to take him out on the spot.

Mental abuse is a two way street also in that woman are equal to men in this regard. I see it almost daily in some of the things my customers say in conversation. My wife and I both pick up on it and her with women more than the men.

TexasGirl said:

I'm sorry, but, getting out of that situation is NOT like smoking, you have to WANT to get help to fix it??? There is a lot more to it than that. Saying this makes the woman feel weak and stupid and that is further from the truth that you can ever imagine!!! Don't ever tell a woman, that if she WANTS out, then go. It makes her feel even more like dirt and beats her down even more.

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Stacy, I did not mean to offend anyone in my wording, I was not trying to belittle anyone in abusive situations....my wording was based on my own past experiences. I was with someone for 4yrs and did nothing but make excuses for him and find ways to twist the truth to not only convince others, but myself. When it finally came to a point I couldn't make excuses anymore I desperately sought help and hid until I found it.....and I mean literally hid. At the end of the day I got the protection I needed and got myself as far away as possible. Because I knew if I didn't I would not be protected for long. Ultimately its up to the victim to get out. That is my opinion because it is what I lived. But I do know not everyone is in the same type of situation, so what works for one may not work for another. But if the victim doesn't first try to help themselves then there won't be a hell of alot others can do to help

Ramble:

Women often stay with an abuser because they have no other way out, don't have the funds to support themselves, or they stay because of children involved.
I think I stuck it out with the asshole king because of the boys at that time.
God knows I didn't need his money , because I was working a better paying job at the time at the hospital.
Another way of his controlling me was thinking his money was his, and my income was ours.
I had to pay the mortgage and most of the utilities, he actually told me when, where and how to spend my money.
In the meantime, he was off and spending evenings with his slew of women behind my back.
Found out about it eventually through someone from our church.
I bided my time and saved up enough to leave him and get an apartment near the hospital where I worked.
Thing that always amazed me is that we'd always had a great sex life and he thought I was "the most beautiful woman in the world."
He never hit me. He did however, push his face into mine one evening with his nose and backed me into a wall.
This was when he knew I was going to leave him, and he had nothing else but desperation in order to try and combat his feelings.
What a jerk.
I do understand how a lot of women stay because they really DO love the man, and want to try to mend the relationship.
Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
In Stacy's case, I would guess it's working.. and I am so happy that it is.

WOW! I was pissed off because of getting away from work late. The lawn needs mowing which takes nearly 2 hours and I had 30 minutes of daylight. The Boars Nest was a balmy 55 degrees and the fire I thought I had going in the stove fizzled. My perspective on life got brought back to center in a hurry after reading this thread.

Biskit said:

I don't wanna start any problems, I'm just going to make an observation;
So far, all but three posters to this thread are men. Men are, typically, the abusers. Only one woman has posted.
I wish more women would step forward with first hand experience with DA and tell us what it's like.....if it's possible.
I understand them not wanting to, and I respect that, but, it would be good to hear their perspective.

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I have pretty much stayed out of this conversation for two reasons. First, hits too close to home.
Second, myths like the one in bold above. The difference in DV between men and women is actually less than 10% and has been so since they first started doing scientific surveys and polls on the subject in the 70's.
The reason the public thinks this is a 'male' problem is three main reasons:
1. Less than 10% of men being abused will ever report it.
2. Most organizations use 'archival' data for their statistics instead of scientific surveys and polls. Archival data is derived from case histories filed in court, and since most men never file... this is because the money they get is based on 'need'. IE the worse it looks, the more money they get.
3. Many things that are now listed as 'abuse' on an OP for a woman are not considered abuse against a male. IE if a man raises his voice to a woman in Illinois, he can be put in jail by the police with or without her consent. If a Woman raises her voice to a man, or even slaps him, scratches him, etc the police are instructed to have the man vacate the premises, no charges are filed against the woman.
One of the biggest problems we have here in Illinois is that there are no longer any Victims Advocates left in the courthouses. They have been replaced with Women's Advocates instead.
I know from first hand knowledge that they will not acknowledge or tell you this. Instead they will turn you away saying you have no case. It is only later you find out they are Women's Advocates and only represent women, not men. Which means they can't represent men, only women and their children.
There is no representation for men. You either figure it out yourself and hope you get it right or the judge throws it out, or you pay for a lawyer to do it for you.

And that is about all I am going to say on this subject.

I stand corrected, Mav.